a season with myself.

This season of life is hard to sugar coat. I am a jobless fiance, who spends her time planning her wedding, kayaking, reading, sewing and learning to cook. I have gone from living in a dorm of thriving and busied college students to living in a house alone (with an occasional hi or hello from my mom) an hour away from the community I will be moving to in the fall. I almost feel as if I have been given a season of grieving... grieving four years of relationships I have moved away from. And here I am starting over from scratch relationally, yet that is difficult and hard to explain no matter how good I am at meeting new people. It's a season of being alone and feeling lonely. A season of getting all the time I ever wanted to rest or be creative or escape to my safe places.... and yet it is not a bright spot for me, because it misses community. It misses people that drive me crazy but I choose to love anyway. It misses discipleship. It misses mentorhsip. It misses meals that don't revolve around a television set. It misses communcation. It misses laughter. In a few weeks I am sure it will change (I know it will) but I know this will be a difficult season and adjustment for me. I strive to not pity myself, but to embrace where I am at.

I think it's okay to own up to the season we find ourselves in, even if it is one that seems dry. One filled with many blank stares. I've been reading a book about simplicity by Becky Freedman that has shed light on rest. If you ask me, I did not rest like I should have this past year. I rested, but not in ways that were reviving for my soul. Watching TV does not revive me. Even sewing, though I love it so much, does not revive me. Becky entertains the idea that women in the Bible were exiled while on their Woman Time because, in some way, it was their time to rest. Their time to stop going stir crazy, take a step back from kids, family, and parents.... I'd never thought of it as a rest time, but boy do I like the idea of it not being an exile or shunning of the female race... but a much needed escape. I wonder, in some divinely humorous way that I won't get perspective on until months from now, if this is my exile/escape. Do you hear that? It's God laughing.

 I think there are pieces of my heart that need to be changed during this season. I think I am being humbled by much (not just moving in with my parents post-graduation) (and not just not having a job either). I am learning what it is to be with myself again and to get int tune with who I am, what I want, what I think my purpose is, and if I am living to fulfill that purpose every day.

And if I learn anything from this season, I hope it's that I learn to cook better. Not becasue I'm getting married and "that's what a wife's suppose to do", cause I wouldn't believe that gender lie for a second....I honestly suck at cooking and have come to admire it since my days of watching Julie and Julia. I want to say, give me some food people, and so I can make it taste dang good.